Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.-Jose Maria de Eca de Queiroz
The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.-Evan Esar
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.-George Burns
All you need to grow fine, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.-Will Rogers
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.-Rodney Dangerfield Click here for more funny quotes
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?-Phyllis Diller Click here for more funny quotes
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.-Anonymous
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.-Agatha Christie Funny Quote Click here for more funny quotes
Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples.-George Burns Funny Quote Click here for more funny quotes
According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.-Jerry Seinfeld Funny Quote Click here for more funny quotes
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.-Wendy Liebman Funny Quote Click here for more funny quotes
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.-Bob Hope Funny Quote Click here for more funny quotes