My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.- Dave Barry Funny Quote
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”-Anonymous
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.- Lana Turner Funny Quote
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.- Steve Martin Funny Quote
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.-Robert Bloch
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.-Mark Russell
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.- Oscar Wilde Funny Quote
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.-Elayne Boosler Funny Quote
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.- Bob Monkhouse Funny Quote
What about the people that died before collecting social security? THIS IS SURE SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT! THE ONLY THING WRONG WITH THE GOVERNMENT’S CALCULATION OF AVAILABLE SOCIAL SECURITY IS THEY FORGOT TO FIGURE IN THE PEOPLE WHO DIED BEFORE THEY EVER COLLECTED A SOCIAL SECURITY CHECK! WHERE DID THAT MONEY GO? Remember, not only did you and I contribute to Social Security but your employer did, too. It totaled 15% of your income before taxes. If you averaged only $30K over your working life, that’s close to $220,500. Read that again. Did you see where the Government paid in