I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.-Patrick Murray

At every party, there are two kinds of people–those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.- Ann Landers Funny Quote Click here for more funny quotes

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept trying to cover me up.- Rodney Dangerfield Funny Sandbox Quote Click here for more funny quotes

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.-Anonymous

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right shut up.-Ogden Nash

Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.-Bob Thaves

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom.- Bob Hope Funny Bathroom Quote Click here for more funny quotes

The best way to keep children home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere . . . and let the air out of the tires.-Dorothy Parker Click here for more funny quotes