These Bill Cosby quotes and jokes are hilarious, eclectic and most of all - awesome. It's hard to boil the best of these Bill Cosby quotes and jokes down to the best since his career has spanned over 50 years. He has forgotten more jokes than more comedians will ever hear. But we did our best to put together a gallery of the cream of the crop. And if you like these, you should check out our Bill Cosby comedian page for tons more videos, quotes, memes and photos of the man himself. But enough from me, check out these hilarious quotes.
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I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know where I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job... and I don't want it.
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Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.
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The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.
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In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
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Old is always fifteen years from now.
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Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
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The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.
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I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.
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My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.
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Every father says the same thing: "Where's your mother?"
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It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. "Dammit, will you stop all that noise?" And, "Jesus Christ, sit down!" One day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father yelled, "Dammit will you get back in here!" I said, "Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"
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My father walked to school 4 o'clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.
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I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"
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My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you."
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Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?"
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A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.
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When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"
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Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair... and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.
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I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.
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Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.
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The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
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Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.
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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
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People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on.
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I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
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Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.”
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Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
Keep reading these hilarious Bill Cosby quotes and jokes!
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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
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The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.
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Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.
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Sigmund Freud once said, "What do women want?" The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that.
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